she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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