I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Randomize
