So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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