he referred to my room as the tit cave...
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
