I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
