I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
