I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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