That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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