What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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