The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
