I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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