I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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