What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
