I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
