I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
