There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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