Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
21 Embarrassing Stories From Adults Who’ve Crapped Their Pants
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.