My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.