i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream