why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
