It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?