Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.