I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
