Pappa wants mamma naked
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
