I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
