Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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