My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
