i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
