we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
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I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
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Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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