Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
