took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
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