The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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