Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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