how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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