Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Girls should come with a carfax report
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
