drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
