Screwed.edu
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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