he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
