im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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