My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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