I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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