the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
