So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
