so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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