did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
