she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
