His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
