I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
