He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
