our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
