I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
