Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
