Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
No more Irish car bombs ever.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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