dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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