She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
