i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
