I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
