I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
