I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
