Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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