I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
