Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
