video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
